I STILL BELIEVE

So, it’s been months since my last post.  I made a major decision during that time, I had back surgery.  They could not and did not go into the spinal cord.  They cut bone from each vertebrae T9-L1.  6 1/2 hour surgery, 1 week in hospital, 2 1/2 weeks in rehab hospital.  The reason for the surgery was to make room for the tumor and take pressure off the nerves.  Doctor’s hope was for more mobility, which I do have.  Before surgery I was practically dragging my right leg and my left shoe toe always wanted to catch.  It was a major ordeal to just walk with the walker to the bathroom.  Legs always felt heavy and tired.  I now can lift both legs completely off the floor, and my legs

feel a bit lighter.  The rehab has been hard and slowww.

The 18th of June will make it 5 months since the surgery.  I chose it to buy me time!  They did a biopsy and it is a low grade (very slow growing) cancerous tumor called Astrocytoma.  Because it’s inside the spinal cord it will not metastasis, spreading to other parts of my body.  And risk is too high for me to even consider radiation at this time, possible nerve damage.  

I’ve said all that to say, surgery bought me time to continue to contend for my miracle healing, and still be able to walk with a walker.  Otherwise I might already be in the wheelchair exclusively.  

I KNOW my Lord is faithful and true.  I KNOW it’s His will for me to be healed and whole!  Jesus paid the ultimate price for it with His blood, by the horrific lashes He received.  I still use the wheelchair I came home with between all the walking with the walker.  I didn’t gain any more feeling, in fact lost more. (As the PTs have worked with me they would ask, “Do you feel that muscle stretching?  Or, “Do you feel that muscle working?” I’d say, no!). I also still use the back brace some (at least it’s not all day long now).  😊

Even if I chose radiation and with best case scenario, it shrunk it to nothing...there’s no restoring what I’ve lost, medically speaking.  

My hope is in God!  As a daughter, it’s my inheritance.  Will you contend with me?  Declaring His word over me?  Believing with me?

Warring with me against our enemy, as he wants to keep me from receiving?  Praying for me to increase in faith?  This has been a long road!  It’ll be 15 years in August that I found out why my legs were numb and why I had to pull myself up the stairs by the rail.

                            But

“Hope against hope I believe....”

                                             Rom 4:18

I want to share with you a beautiful poem that Holy Spirit gave me last October (keeping in mind I do NOT write poetry, that’s my sister Michelle’s gift):

The Dance

And the enemy thought he had won

when year after year nothings done

but the seed of faith her Lord gave

grew and grew in His name

till the focus of heart was on Him

not on symptoms displayed or within 

knowing He is Who He says He is

and He’ll do what He said He will do

He cannot deny Himself, He is always, always true

to His Word and promise He made

which she spoke, declared and proclaimed

till the seed of the promise burst through 

And her healing was felt and seen too

her joy, her bliss knew no bounds

the long awaited promise broke ground

she acknowledged, praised and thanked God

and not with just a slight nod

she twirled in a whirling dance

just like she had dreamed in advance 

her heart burst in love back to Him

a faith and victory win!

before her Beloved King

songs of worship she did sing

she knew He was faithful and true

now experienced, her love grew and grew

the purpose in the pain realized

It’s always been about the Prize

yes, it’s Him and us in life’s dance

hearts knit in divine romance”

I love You Jesus!!!!!  ❤️

After all these years

I'm so sorry to see that it's been almost a year since my last post.  I'm so inconsistent.  That being said, I have felt impressed to do a new post "summarizing" my journey up to this point.

I am believing my God, Savior, Lord Jesus Christ for a supernatural

miracle.

Almost 14 years ago I found out that the reason my legs felt heavy and I couldn't walk up the steps without pulling on the railing was because there was a growth inside my spinal cord at Tll/T12.  I was told by one of the most well known neuro-surgeons at the Cleveland Clinic that the growth was in the worst place possible.  That is where all the nerves in our spinal cords come together like a pony tail.  so in his opinion it would be very very risky to operate, without significant damage.

He believed that it had been there all my life but grew each time I was pregnant, from pressure of the baby and hormones.

The most significant change was after giving birth to our twins over 14 years ago. 

As each year has past, my body has declined.  I started to need the cane to help balance myself and walk over 8 years ago maybe?  I transitioned to a walker over 2-2 1/2 years ago.  I used to be able to walk between my counters in our kitchen, but now I have to hold on at all times and scoot sideways.  Sometimes my legs give out without any prior notice and if I'm not holding on to something, I go down.  I've fallen so many times over the years that I've lost count.  I've broken many bones, including my right wrist that needed surgery to put it back together with a plate and screws.

I've lost a lot of feeling in my lower half of my body, inside and out.  I have bladder and bowel problems and barely feel when my legs are touched. 

I need to explain this because according to doctors, once nerves lose their ability to function/feel, there is no coming back. 

So, I know it's going to take a miracle from my God.

But that's what God does, He's in the business of doing miracles!

He's the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

His stripes that He took before hanging on the cross for my sins, were for my healing. (1Peter 2:23/Is 53:5)

I could go on and on....so many scriptures to back up what I believe!!!

I'm getting excited because I know He is faithful and true, it's who He is.  (Revelation 19:11)

He watches over His word to perform it.  (Is 55:11)

He's teaching me that as His daughter, I am to co-labor by, speaking and declaring His word over my body and whatever else doesn't line up with His word, to see change.

It is His delight to give me/us His kingdom.  (Luke 12:32)

Jesus taught us to pray "Our Father, Who is in heaven.  Holy is Your name.  Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth AS it is in heaven."  This is suppose to be a daily prayer....for now, present tense.  Not some distant future.

Jesus brought the kingdom of heaven with Him, and He left it with us....His people, His church.  We are commissioned to spread/release His kingdom. 

I also felt impressed that I was to upload a couple of videos that my niece took of me walking.  You need to be able to see what I look like now, so that WHEN my healing manifests you will KNOW that my God did indeed do a miracle in me. 

Even as I type this, hope arises in me. 

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."  Ps 27:13

These 2 videos were taken right before Christmas of 2016, 6 months ago.  It's become even more difficult to get around since then.  But even as I type this....I am getting excited, for God is so good and has always been so faithful to me.  I can hardly wait to share with you the video of me running..... stay tuned, because it's coming.

God is STILL God and Still good

I'm appalled to say that when I checked my blog here a week or so ago, I realized I hadn't been on it in a long time, hadn't even posted since December 19, 2013!  Wow!  I'm so not a blogger.  However since I'm just trying to be obedient to what I hear my Lord whisper in my ear....here goes again.

Let me just reiterate that the reason I started this blog in the first place was at the nudge of my Jesus to do so....to tell my story, so that WHEN I receive healing all those who have and will read this blog will know it was by the hand of Jesus alone that I received the healing.

So, here I am again, 3 years later, STILL not walking unsupported, running, dancing, but in fact my body has gotten worse.  A LOT!!

I'd like to believe my relationship with Jesus is intimate, passionate and steady.  However, I struggle between what my heart longs and cries out for and dealing with my emotions, daily struggle to function and any doubts that try to arise. 

Here I am....claiming that I KNOW that Jesus WILL heal me in the natural, physical realm and I will walk unsupported, run and dance again (which is impossible according to doctors and all medical knowledge), for 13 years now.  I seem to look like a fraud and many days feel like one.  However, when I set my eyes on Jesus and His word, I see myself running.  For His word is truth and I believe Him!  I know Him to be faithful and true, it's Who He is! 

It's truly a battle between the natural (symptoms I deal with) and the spiritual (His Word, His promises).  There's days that I teeter, fall, lose my balance, bladder control, multiple times.  Not to mention the utter frustration of trying to get around with a walker, all the while my feet wanting to drag, and my knees not bend.  Oh, did I not mention?  I walk with a walker exclusively now.  No more cane, because of the unstable issue.  There are still times I must use a cane, for example at Walmart.  I use the electric cart now, but take the cane to use to go into the restroom.  I go in using the cane and clutching onto the walls with my left hand, very slowly, very deliberately. 

Preparing meals and cleaning up after the meals are now an ordeal.  No longer is it easy to walk from counter to island and refrigerator to stove.  I have to hold on at all times.  A lot of times I have much frustration to overcome, especially if I forget an ingredient or utensil and must go back and forth, holding on and shuffling my feet sideways.  It's a matter of keeping myself steady while upright.  A new "symptom" has started in the last couple of months, my left leg (mostly) just buckles for no apparent reason.  So since there is no warning before hand, if I'm not close to something to grab or already holding onto something, then I go down.  It can be a bit nerve racking.

I don't share this for pity!!!!  I've lost so much feeling & strength, if I dwell on it, I would go into a fetal position!  However.... That's the whole point of sharing this, that I have to live each day having to keep believing INSPITE of the decline of my body!

My only hope has always been and will forever be - JESUS!  I just "know" in my heart, my inner man, that He will restore my body and I will run on this earth.  Which according to all the doctors have told me is quite impossible!  Once your nerve is no longer working, there's no coming back.  Similar to brain cells, as they do not regenerate.

Speaking of which, my sister Michelle and I have been praying and believing that God is going to re-create brain cells in our brother Stanley's brain.  He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and his rapid and ugly decline ( & so much medication) over the last years is heartbreaking, as he "exists" in a nursing home.  Which, my sister Michelle visits frequently, to pray over and love on him and the other residents there.  Truly they also are "forgotten ones".  I'm not really deviating, as this intertwines with my story.

I often find myself quoting and declaring out loud,  Romans 4:19-21 (Amplified version and personalized)  "In hope (in God) against hope (in the natural world), I DO BELIEVE, in order that I might receive healing according to that which had been spoken, "by His stripes/wounds I was healed (1 Peter 2:24/ Isaiah 53:5).  And without becoming weak in faith, as I'm faced each day with the symptoms in my declining body, YET with respect to the promises of God (in scripture and His voice in my heart), I WILL NOT waver in unbelief, but WILL grow strong in faith [& be empowered by faith AS I give praise &] glory to God (ahead of time in the waiting).  Because: I am FULLY SATISFIED and ASSURED that God IS able and might to keep HIS word and TO DO what HE has promised me"

See, its not about me anyway!  It's all on Him!   I choose to put my hope and trust in Him.  Why not?   HE IS FAITHFUL AND TRUE it's Who He is.  It's actually one of His names!!!  Revelation 19:11

Healing is not only written as promises in the word of God such as the 2 written above, its Who God is!  He's our Healer.  He introduced Himself to His people in the O.T. through names.  In Exodus 15:26  He introduced Himself to Israel as "for I AM the Lord Who heals you.", in Hebrew "Yehovah-
Rapha.

I believe the Lord has been drawing me closer to Himself and teaching me His word throughout these last 13 years, especially the last 6 as my NEED for Him as compelled me to seek Him!
I believe this isn't just about me receiving my healing, its about the heart of God for His people (all of us who claim to follow Jesus) to represent Jesus to the world.  I know its the will and heart of God to heal everyone.  I know that doesn't HAPPEN in this broken and cursed world, but I do believe the Lord wants it to happen.  It's what JESUS DID while He walked to earth.  The only place in the gospels that its mentioned a lack of healings, is in His hometown, as they basically rejected Him.  It says He could do no miracles there except heal a few sick people. In many places even where MULTITUDES were gathered, it says He healed them ALL!!!!  Just go back and look at creation, in Genesis.  We were made in His image, to live WITH Him, in His glory, forever!  It's through sin that sickness and disease came.  But it says that Jesus came to undo the works of the devil and heal allllllll who were oppressed by him. 

Ok, I have to stop....for I could just preach and preach!  It's INSIDE me....I believe it!  However I must say that although it seems so many more people go unhealed than healed, let's not look at what is, but what does God's word say?  In Matthew alone it says (or infers) 7 X He cured/healed them ALL!  Matt 4:24, 8:16, 12:15, 14:13, 15:30, 19:2, 21:14.  There is so many others too.

Why isn't everyone healed now?  I don't have the answers, but I might suggest a couple of possibilities.  First, we live in a fallen world where the enemy of our souls, satan/devil, looks for every opportunity to kill, steal and destroy us (John 10:10).  Second, Jesus IS the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) and He gave His followers (yes, even us now) His power and authority (Luke 10:19) to do what HE did.  He also said, "As the Father sent me, I send you".... Jesus shared the Kingdom of heaven and AND healed the sick, cast out demons, raised the dead, etc. and in Mark 16:17 He tells His disciples to do the same and it says "These signs WILL accompany those who have believed (in ME).....that would be you and I if we follow and believe in Him today.  So my personal belief is WHEN His church, His body come together and are joined in unity, filled with His power, His Spirit (3rd Great Awakening?).  Using their individual spiritual gifts, the joints and ligaments joining together to truly BE His body.  Then His body, the church will "Look like Jesus" the HEAD of the church.  I believe this is when we will see MASSIVE healings, as Jesus again heals them ALL, through His body! 

I really didn't intend to share/preach a teaching in this post, but it's the REASON, I believe I WILL be healed and that it is God's will that I be healed.  My Jesus paid a VERY COSTLY price for my healing, (1 Pet 2:24, Is 53:5).  He took such a beating, whipping for me...it says in Isaiah 52:14 Complete Jewish Bible, "...because He was so disfigured that He didn't even seem human and simply no longer looked like a man."  It's so unthinkable how amazing and loving our God is!  So many people have a different idea of Who God is, many quite frankly think He's mean, aloof and dictating, etc.  But God, the ONLY God is so beautiful, loving, kind, full of mercy & grace.  Gave the best heaven had to offer.... HIMSELF.... God's Son.  Yes for the whole world....but also for me!  I now own it for myself.... His love!  The God of the universe, the ONLY UNcreated One, left heaven and came to earth, put on flesh, became a man to live among us, as one of us.  With the sole purpose to suffer and die for us.  WHY?  To bring us back into relationship with Him!  He reconciled us back to the Father.  "Whaaaaat?"  Yes!  Now that's love!  What an awesome loving God I serve!

This is NOT the end of my story!  Stay tuned, for I will post when "I go walking, and leaping and praising God" (Acts 3:8), when I receive my healing!

You Can Have As Much Of Jesus As You Want

This Post is taken from a devotion by Gary Wilkerson…



“Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst…”

John 4:15

Read John 4:5-30

My father, David Wilkerson, taught me a lesson when I was a little boy, and I believe it is the most important lesson I have ever learned, “Gary, “ he said, “ you can have as much of Jesus as you want.”

Every one of you reading this article can have as much of Jesus as you want! God does not just randomly say, “I’m picking you and not you.”

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied (filled)”

Matt. 4:6 ESV. This verse is speaking of the man or woman who says, “I want all that Jesus has to offer. I am going to be ravenous in my spiritual hunger to get everything He has to give.”

The Bible says that God is looking for men and women whose hearts are completely His that He might show Himself strong. “For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He might strongly support those whose hearts are completely His.” 2 Chron 16:9 NAS

God does not want 10 % or 75% of His church to be consecrated, to live a set-apart, sacred life. He wants 100% of His body, His believers, to be sold out wholeheartedly.

It is not God who is holding back the anointing of His Spirit, it is our lack of response to what He is pouring out. God has rent the heavens and come down and manifest His Holy Spirit in these last days. The man or woman who responds to what God is willing to give will rise up and say, “In this last hour I choose to be filled with God’s Spirit. I choose to live a consecrated life. I will not be dissuaded from this; I will not be held back. Nothing can keep me form the destiny that God has for me of being on fire for Him, totally filled with His Spirit.”

Beloved

Beloved, did you know that the God of Genesis, God of all creation...

..loves you with an everlasting love. (Jer 31:3)

...calls you His beloved. (Song of songs 6:13 & 7:10)

...puts your tears in His bottle. (Ps 56:8)

...has your name inscribed on the palm of His hand. (Is 49:16)

...rejoices over you with singing. (Zeph 3:17)

   (The God of all creation sings over you!!!)

Beloved, you ravish His heart. (song of songs 4:9)

"But God, so rich is He in His mercy, because of nd i order to satisfy the great and wonderful and intense love with which He loved you... made us alive together in fellowship and in union with Christ..."  Eph 2:4,5 Amp

Tragedy or Triumph?

It was Saturday night... I fell hard, catching myself with my right hand.  There was no pain so I didn't think I had broken it, but I could not use it at all.  I called over my oldest son to help me up and walk me over to where I could sit down.  It had instantly swollen and it just didn't look right.  A trip to the emergency room revealed it was not only broken, it was broken in 3 places.  I was then directed to a wonderful specialist (I was told he was the best in the area), who informed me that I would need surgery to align the bone and put in a metal plate and screws.  Now, at this point I'm not even thinking ahead, I'm just taking this moment by moment.  I can tell you, for such a rotten, bad thing to have happened I had such  peace... an inner peace.  As anyone who knows me can tell you, "drama" runs in my family.  I have been known to display some drama every now and then.  :)  Besides, I am just as prone to reacting to pain in my body and life as the next person.  This was truly God showing up with His peace!  Surgery was set for the next day.

Now, I've been told by those in the medical field, bone pain is one of the worst pains.  My doctor prescribed a strong pain medicine for me to take after the surgery.  (he was going to prescribe an even stronger one, but I told him I'm such a light weight, I'd just sleep my days away).  So I was "prepared" for a lot of pain.

From the moment I awoke from surgery until this very day I've never felt any pain.  At 1st I attributed that to the 'local block' I was given and then to the pain medicine that I was taking on schedule (it was stressed, not to let the pain meds laps).  But after only a few days, with no pain at all, I weaned myself off.  From day 2 on, I was able to work my fingers and wrist a little, because of not feeling any pain.  This is a testimony of God's power and grace.  I thank You my Heavenly Father and Jesus, my Lord.  

This is just one of many many "set backs" in my body as I continue to walk in faith, trusting and believing in my Lord for a complete and total restorative healing.  My peace during this latest trauma is non other than God's power working in me.

Apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10 (Amplified)  "So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities, distresses (and even broken arms :); for when I am weak [in human strength], then m I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength)."

Its an opportunity for Jesus to be manifested in and through us, in some way.  It may not have been a miraculous instant healing of my bone (not for lack of prayer!!! :)  But, His power was displayed in me by the inner peace and having never felt any pain at all from the time I broke it, after surgery and the whole healing process.

I could have been completely discouraged, crawling into a fetal position if not for my glorious Lord God!!  I praise His holy name, Jesus!!!

He graciously answered another immediate need and desperate cry of mine.  "Oh Lord, how will I care for my family?"  You see, I'm right handed and walk with a cane, using it to support myself with my right hand.  From the moment I fell and broke my arm, I was completely thrown "off balance", unable to get around by myself at all.  First, He answered my cry by my niece, Kaylin coming to help.  (which I'm eternally grateful for her beautiful serving heart, as she reflected Jesus to me and my family in her serving for 6 weeks... always with a willingness and never a complaint.  May our Lord, multiply blessings back into her life a 1000 fold!)  Second, as a call to my primary care doctor brought about an amazing answer to my dilemma of immobility... a walker with a "platform", an attached arm rest with a handle.  I was able to walk by myself 1 day after surgery with this amazing device.  ( Oh Lord, bless the person who came up with this idea).

I want to thank my Jesus for using this horrible accident and situation to display Himself in and through me.  To HIM be the glory!!!  Love You Jesus!  Love you my Heavenly Father!!!

PS.  I want to say again...I believe with all my heart I will be healed, restored to complete wholeness by Jesus Christ.  I will run again (after over 11 years now of not being able to), and dance before my Lord and God....with a thankful heart of praise!!!  ;-)  Just saying.....

To find God, one must first believe...

Heb 11:6  "And with out faith it is impossible to please Him, for he (anyone) who comes to God must believe that He is (that He exists and IS all that He says He is), and that He is a rewarder of those who (earnestly and diligently) seek Him (with all their hearts)."  Do you suppose the "reward" here is Himself?  Jer 29:13 states that if you do seek Him with all your heart you will find Him.

Here in Hebrews it says he who comes to God must believe that He exists.  But do you, Beloved, believe that He is all that He claims to be in His word?  We can not just believe in a portion of Who God is, what part of God we are "comfortabe" with.  Many in the world do that, (its actually idolatry), and sadly there's some in the church that do that too.  God can not be changed, God can not change.  We can not make God into what we want Him to be, by what we've been taught by others (if it doesn't line up with scripture~ Paul warns of this often in his letters, see Col 2:8 for one), nor by what we have experienced in this life.  He's so much bigger than that.

We must take God at His word (what He says about Himself), by faith.  That's what Heb 11:6 is saying.  Regardless if we've ever seen or experienced that part of Him we struggle to believe in!

Want to know Who God is (all that He claims He is)?  Read the Bible like you would go on a treasure hunt, digging deep, searching diligently with hope of finding that treasure you seek for.  Asking all along the way for God to reveal Himself to you, to give you revelations into the mystery of Who He is. 

That is His heart and eternal life, "that you might KNOW HIM and Jesus Christ, Who He has sent."  John 17:3

To look at Jesus, while He walked on earth among men (read the 4 gospels), you will see God the Father personified.  Jesus is the image of the Father, His exact representation.  Col 1:15, 19: 2:9; Heb 1:2,3

That's why Jesus came, that by His shed blood, we might be reconciled (reinstated) back to God and begin to walk with Him in intimate fellowship. 

There is no substitute for the wonder of walking closely with God, getting to know Him, little by little, even while here on earth.